Idealistic Teacher Fails to Inspire Inner City Classroom

New York, NY – A Long Island teacher is being hospitalized following a brutal attack by his 9^th grade English students. 26-year-old Anthony Silver, a ponytailed teacher at PS 231 in New York City, is currently under observation for injuries sustained during the attack. According to eyewitnesses, Silver had attempted to inspire his students by dressing as Horatio Hornblower, standing on his desk, and loudly commanding them to “take the helm and be the commander of their own destiny!”

This attempt was the latest in a series of efforts by the idealistic, Birkenstock-wearing teacher to inspire his students.

Long identified as the class “nerd” for maintaining an ‘A’ average, Maya Ling stated that she had previously “felt sorry” for Silver.

“He was a nice guy,” stated Ling. “I supported him when he tried to inspire us with the soul-stirring rhythms of Samba dancing, and even helped him carry the gear when he tried to teach us to value ourselves with fencing lessons. When he started in with that nonsense about ‘Captaining our vessels of discovery,’ though, we had to drop some motherf***ing b’s on his ass.”

Ling is facing a three week suspension along with 15 of her classmates.

Despite suffering life-threatening injuries, including a ruptured spleen and a concussion that left him unable to speak for several days, Silver is undeterred from his mission.

“If we don’t believe in these kids,” Silver gasped through shattered, swollen lips, “how can they ever believe in themselves?”